


I’ll be with you in the dark (once this pain has left its mark)

by corvidlesbian



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Post-Episode 69, yall this is the softest thing I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 11:41:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvidlesbian/pseuds/corvidlesbian
Summary: Two nights after Yasha had returned to them, Beau found her on the roof.





	I’ll be with you in the dark (once this pain has left its mark)

The first night back, Beau didn’t know where Yasha went. She didn’t stay in the Xhorhaus, or at least not in any of the rooms that Beau checked, which was all of them. She hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk with her since…

Since Yasha had been taken.

Since the conversation they had, under the Wildmother’s tree.

The second night, she found her on the high point of the roof, up above the balcony. She was staring up at the stars, her shrug pulled tightly around her shoulders. Beau jumped onto the railing of the balcony, then pulled herself up to crouch below Yasha.

If Yasha knew she was there, she didn’t show it. 

“I thought I’d never see you again,” Beau said, so quietly she was afraid Yasha couldn’t hear her. There was silence for a moment.

“I thought you wouldn’t let me come back.”

Beau moved to the top of the roof and sat beside Yasha. Her hands dug into the shingles. She could only find it in herself to look down. “We’re family. Of course we wanted you back.”

More silence. The gap between them seemed simultaneously too big and too small. Beau didn't know how to bridge it.

“You wouldn’t forgive me,” Yasha said. “If you knew what I’ve done. You wouldn’t.”

Beau thought about the bodies she had seen, the ones that Yasha had left behind. She thought about Zeenoth, recovering from her savagery. 

She wasn’t sure how much Yasha had been in control. She had to assume not at all. She had to cling to the image of Yasha she had created from Jester's descriptions. Tear tracks through blood. Unwilling. Fighting back against something much stronger than her.

It didn’t settle her stomach.

Yasha kept her gaze fixed on the sky. Beau still couldn’t bring herself to look up. “I won’t ask, then,” Beau said.

Yasha exhaled slowly.

“I can’t sleep,” she said finally. “I just see myself.”

Beau snuck a sideways glance at Yasha. Tears were brimming in her eyes. Beau remembered a trick that one of the other trainee monks taught her, in her first week- if you just keep looking up, the tears won’t fall. “You can at least come inside,” Beau said.

“I don’t want to impose,” Yasha said.

“You have your own room,” Beau said. “It’s a really nice room, too. All those flowers."

Yasha finally looked down, and they locked eyes. The tears spilled down Yasha's cheeks. “Jester won’t look at me anymore,” she said.

Beau felt her stomach twist. "It's not because she doesn’t forgive you," she said. "It's because she can't forgive herself."

“You wouldn’t look at me either,” Yasha whispered. “I don’t blame you.”

Beau let out a shaky breath, finding a lump in her throat. “I’m trying,” she said. “We’re all trying. We’re all glad you’re back.”

Yasha didn’t say anything. Beau could see the tears start to drip onto her shirt. She reached out tentatively, waiting for Yasha to stop her. Yasha didn’t. Her finger brushed against Yasha’s jaw, collecting the tears there. Yasha shook with a sob, and Beau turned her face gently to wipe the wetness from under both her eyes. The gesture seemed to only bring more tears, and Beau kept her hands there. 

“It’s not your fault,” Beau said firmly.

Yasha squeezed her eyes shut. “And if it was?”

Beau brought their foreheads together. It wasn’t much movement- they were already close together. “Then I forgive you.”

Yasha reached out to grab Beau’s vest, clinging to her. Beau put one hand on the roof to keep herself from falling. Yasha shook against her.

“If this is a self-imposed exile or something, you can stop,” Beau said. “This is your home too.”

Yasha didn’t pull away from the contact that Beau had initiated, but she let go of Beau’s clothing. “I wanted to give this back,” Yasha said, and Beau realized that she was twisting something off her finger.

Beau recoiled. “No.”

“If I hadn’t taken it, maybe they could have stopped me,” Yasha said. “I want you to have it.” Yasha offered her the ring, hand outstretched.

Beau shook her head. Crawled back, just a bit. “You don’t need to be stopped. You’re-”

“A monster,” Yasha said. “And I don’t need this.”

Another tear slipped down Yasha’s cheek. Beau closed her hand around Yasha’s. She wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do, and the idea that the ring- the ring Beau gave her- was the reason Yasha was able to kill so many…

“You have to keep it safe for me,” Beau said, and pushed Yasha’s hand away. Yasha drew it back to her chest.

She looked away, again not meeting Beau’s eyes. Beau waited, for her to react, for her to say anything, but she was just silent.

"You're not a monster," Beau whispered.

Yasha's hand clenched around the ring. Beau saw her knuckles whiten. "You didn't give up on me," Yasha said. "I hurt you, but you still..."

"I know you," Beau said. Yasha shook her head, and Beau pressed on. "I know you  _ now _ . I don't give a fuck about the person you are when someone else is in control. You… you like flowers. And your friends. You don't forget people. You don't betray them."

"I did," Yasha said.

"You didn't."

Yasha looked away. She still held the ring in an iron grip. Moonlight caught in her hair, framing her face like a halo. Beau's breath caught. 

"You…"

Yasha didn't look at her. "What?"

Beau swallowed. "You deserve to be happy."

A half-hearted smile tugged at her mouth. It didn't reach her eyes. "How do you still see me as good, after everything I've done? Everyone I've left behind?"

"Because I've seen you," Beau said. "A lot."

Yasha turned, meeting her eyes again. There was nothing about her gaze that wasn't soft, almost reverent. Beau felt her stomach flip. "Have you?"

"Uh. Yeah."

Yasha's hand, the one holding the ring, dropped to her lap. She let out a small breath. "Well then," she said.

Then what?

Beau didn't say anything. She propped one knee up and leaned against it. Yasha glanced away, then back up.

She fidgeted with the ring. 

"Do you-" Beau began, at the same time as Yasha said "Could you-"

They both broke off awkwardly. "You first," Beau said.

Yasha held out the ring. Beau made no move to take it.

"Could you hold onto this for me?" Yasha said. "For safekeeping."

"No," Beau said firmly.

Yasha's face fell. "Please," she said. "Just for now."

Beau suppressed the lump in her throat. "You could give it to Nott," she said. "She loves shiny things."

Yasha kept her hand out awkwardly. Beau placed her hand over Yasha's, thinking very carefully about what to say.

Yasha's hand was warm. Every thought was chased from Beau's mind.

"Beau…" Yasha breathed. Beau closed her eyes for a moment.

It was too much to put into words.

"I don't want to hurt you again," Yasha said. "I don't want to be able to."

Some feelings are too big to speak aloud, but Beau could feel them welling up inside her trying to escape. If the Nein hadn't been forced to leave Yasha behind, or if they had managed to steal Yasha away from her captor…

Yasha put her other hand over Beau's, pressing the ring up into her hand. "Just for now," she promised. 

Beau closed her hand around the ring, and Yasha drew her hands away. The ring was too big for her fingers, but it fit around her thumb. "I'm giving this back to you soon," she said.

"Okay," Yasha said.

Beau clenched her hand into a fist, wrapping her thumb around her fingers. The ring caught on her knuckle. "I don't think I can punch properly like this," Beau said. "Feels wrong."

Yasha's eyes were fixed on her hands as she messed with the ring. Beau was suddenly aware of how close they still were.

"I can take it off later," Beau said, trying to fill the silence with something more familiar.

"Right."

Beau took a shaky breath, ignoring their proximity. Or trying to, at least. She could almost feel Yasha's eyes on her. "Do you want to go back in?" she said.

Yasha exhaled, glancing back toward the balcony. "No, I think I'm going to sleep up here again."

Beau leaned forward, pressing her forehead against her knee. "I wish you wouldn't."

"You don't have to stay with me."

"But it's such a nice night."

In truth, it was chillier than Beau would have liked, but by now the chill had faded into the back of her mind.

Yasha reached out her hand, running it over the bare skin on Beau's shoulder. Beau glanced over, finally noticing the goosebumps. Yasha's hand was warm in comparison.

"It's okay," Yasha murmured. Her hand slid off Beau's shoulder.

It felt like a dismissal, but it still made Beau's stomach flutter. She dropped her knee down and looked Yasha in the eyes. "You don't have to sleep in your own room," she said.

"Is that a line?"

For a moment, Beau's train of thought derailed entirely. Then she took a deep breath, in and out. "No," she said. "I mean, you can stay in the guest room if you want."

Yasha looked unexpectedly thoughtful.

"Yeah," Beau said awkwardly. "Anyway. I don't control you. I'd just… feel better. If I knew you weren't… on the roof."

"I'll think about it," Yasha said softly.

Beau flashed her a smile that was probably more strained than she intended. "I guess I'll get out of your hair," she said.

Yasha's hands fidgeted in her lap as Beau put a hand onto the roof, preparing to swing down. Before she went to move, she looked at Yasha.

Yasha reached out a hand, cupping the back of Beau's head. In that instant, all Beau could hear was a dull roar racing past her ears, and then Yasha leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek.

Beau could breathe again.

"Thank you, Beau," Yasha whispered.

"Yeah," Beau said, a genuine smile turning the corners of her mouth.

As she swung herself back down onto the balcony, it didn't leave her face.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm far too soft for my own good and this is my only outlet, anyway Yasha come back please


End file.
